Sunday, September 21, 2014

The floor needs mopping

My diabetes has been rearing its head. As a caregiver, my day is dictated by the people I care for. They care about me but have their opinions which makes it hard.

My mother is difficult in that she likes to choose what we eat. If she says it doesn't affect my diabetes ------ Well you know the reality. Eating has been a difficult thing for me. I know some of you folks say I wouldn't stand for it. You might buckle quicker with a pouting, crying mother.

I can give this advice to anyone. Think a long time before you allow someone to move in with you. I have no regrets and mourn the loss of being just able to take a walk and read a book when I want to.

I will never regret the time I spend with my mother. I just regret not having some freedom.

My big defense against diabetes has been exercise. I quit the exercise facility I went to for two reasons. One was the cost. I spend money on maintaining this household that makes me pick my pension to the bone. I retired early because I could not handle the workload or mental stress of having so many bosses to answer to. The other reason is that I felt like the work I do should be enough exercise.

I've been discussing my will. It is complicated. I want my sister and brother cared for. I debate on my house being given to a specific charity with them having the right to live in it the rest of their lives. There are so many variables at play. For one, will either of them need more care and this choice limit future care for them. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I'll go to the lawyer and see what he has to say.

A piece of me wants to sell the place and live it up one day. I have pinched pennies my whole life and it would be nice to not worry. The spending would end quickly. There is always something you need to pay for.

In addition, my home phone is stalked by the first scavengers of the elderly. Medical alert systems that a speaker intones I have ordered. It took me awhile to realize it was a recording, the man's voice seemed so real. Actually it was real. It was just recorded and repeated. I have a feeling those buzzards would know first I got some spending money.

I would have never started writing if I did not have my family relying on me. When I quit work, I had the opportunity to think for the first time in a long time. You run from one thing to another putting fires out. The biggest fire burning you never see which is what you want to do with your life.

I had big regrets about not pursuing my dreams earlier in life. You can get too old to pursue them which is why I am grateful I retired early. Perhaps I will churn a book out.

Starving artists have shown me with their penniless situation that I made a good choice in having a career. No I was not a hard nosed businesswoman. I was a teacher whose weakness was I did not like bossing people around. I had to acquire the attitude to keep my job.

I also love these people. As much as I resent not being able to travel, it warms my heart for my sister feeding her little dog her dindin and taking her outside. One dog who walks the house letting the other dogs know, she is above them. I like that my sister has a quality of life.

When I pick my developmentally delayed brother up at the workshop he works in, I'm glad he lives with me. Language ability deteriorates when many live in group homes. That brain muscle must be constantly worked no matter our ability level.

If there was a rewind button, would I have taken a path that benefited me more. I don't know.

The truth is I just want a break.

I also know when I am losing the battle with diabetes. I get a craving for a sugary treat. This makes it easier to resist. I have a choice. Work on dropping some weight and my diabetes to go in remission again. I resist medication because surprisingly, it is more pleasant to not eat than have to eat because your blood sugar is low.

That statement blows me away. Much like when I started writing, my opinions surprised me at times. Some of them in that I had an opinion.

Oh another health fact, I used ethyl alcohol hand sanitizer to get rid of my acne.




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