Thursday, January 21, 2016

It's hard to be cool in depends or being cool depends.

I got into my new Chevy this morning. The seat was so warm, I thought, has someone peed on my seat? No way, I just put the dogs in. I hadn't peed. Besides, I don't feel any dampness. Then I think, this car has buttons for seat warmers. I cranked the car remotely this morning. The car told me it was cold outside yesterday and be mindful of slippery roads. The car must have warmed the seats for me.

I went to the ocean for the first time when I was twelve. Our Girl Scout troop camped on Jekyll Island. My dad was one of the chaperones. He told the ladies he wanted to create memories. Truth is he was overprotective. My first dip in the ocean and dang my nose was running. I had snot in my mouth. I wasn't about to tell my friend who was busy jumping in the water with me. She yelled, "Can you taste the salt?" I was like "Oh Yeah, I can taste the salt" as the light bulb went on in my head.

Story of my life, pretending to be cool. It is an art form when you aren't naturally cool.

Now I may be dealing with another social faux pas in life. I'm that bossy older woman. I'm not totally there in that whether some of these millennials and Gen X know it, I am not that old! I got some pretty good years in front of me. Bossy is just part of my charm, my je ne sais quoi.

There are people working full time jobs at my age because they need the money. I need the money too. It is just that there is only one of me, and it is cheaper to not work than to work and hire people to do what I do. But when these kids look at me, they see retiree and then they add insult to injury by forgetting to give me my senior citizen discount. Bumpskilly!

My old vet had his staff roll the red carpet out for me which I liked. I would go back but they do not offer emergency service. After the tragic death of my black lab mix Patty Cakes, I vowed to never not have an emergency vet. So I am their customer. The vets are nice and good. But I got to get this staff trained, and I have a feeling it ain't going to happen.

So life moves on. When I retired from teaching, I gave up my throne. I joked my classroom was my kingdom which I ruled. Little did I know, there was some truth there. Now, I'm just another older woman talking to the cashier who is another older woman who gets stopped by an even older older woman. I think, how far am I from that beautiful white haired lady who had what I thought was an incredibly stiff and bored daughter. Meh, She must be hired help. I hope when my time comes, I get someone who laughs and smiles with me.

I have lost power in other ways. I know to write I should put on a more youthful countenance. Did I say I have stopped coloring my hair blonde. Gray is not that bad, not that great either. But it looks a lot better than the long hair dude at grocery store with dark hair and inch long white roots. Honesty has an appeal. Not as great as being slim, young, rich, talented, attractive and cool, but you just can't maintain it. If you do, you wind up looking like catwoman or cartoon man and a fool.

So next time I make an appointment at the vet, I plan to walk in. They always have a harder time not being helpful when you are in person. My expectations will be much lower. So when the good stuff happens, I'll enjoy it more.

And I do not wear depends, yet. But I'm going to buy the sexy black ones when I do. You'll recognize me, I'll be the hot chick in the senior center. I'm not only going to dye my hair bright red, I'll add a perm to make sure I got big hair. Meanwhile I have heated seats that feel great when it is cold out.

4 comments:

  1. I definitely went and found a good vet, got two places here that are really good, thankfully. I think out of all those aspects I'd rather be rich haha

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    1. When Katherine Hepburn was asked whether she would like to be beautiful or rich. She said rich. People will be interested in you when you get old. What we value. One good thing about being a teacher, my clients were young and idealistic too.

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  2. I'm not in Depends yet either but maybe by the time I am, they'll come in thong style!! Great post Ann.

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  3. Hey, Lisa Rinna made big bucks doing that commercial where she demonstrated that some new line of Depends doesn't show through your clothes, which is kinda cool!

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