Sunday, May 7, 2023

Listening to the Wind

 When people die, we acknowledge they came from dust and return to dust. Well my dust is the red clay of Georgia. I grew up in a military town and my inclination when I grew up was to leave. People came and went all the time with military transfers. I left two times but returned each time. My soul is part of the Earth here. 

Thinking back to the first book I was going to write as a teenager. Somehow I was going to defend the South and people were going to get it. Except, the South is like all places. It can be a terrible, rotten place and a beautiful place. 

Now, I wonder what I really want to say.  

It is funny how time and experience changes how you view things. I lost a sister in March. It started with a backache. Three weeks later she was gone. They think she had a cancerous mass. Meanwhile a blood clot which had formed under the mass must have broken up to cause a heart attack. I was there in the hospital room when it happened. I thought she was going to throw up again. I got the nurse and she hit some button and yelled coding in the hallway.

For awhile her heart beat was there. Then it wasn't. I knew she was not going to make it. The nurse in the hallway started rubbing my back. The doctor said it had been 40 minutes. They had to stop brain damage had occurred at that point. I go back in the room and for some crazy reason start cleaning up. Picking up trash organizing the items I had brought to the room. I thought to take a load out to the car. My sister lying in the bed.

I called the funeral home. They tell me the hospital does not usually come to the room to collect someone. The nurses ask me to step out so they can get my sister together. I come in. She is in the body bag and the reality just crashes. I tell what is left and hidden of my sister I am so sorry. I get my things to leave. 

Getting on to the elevator, the nurse that coded for my sister was coming up with her breakfast. My sister had wakened me at 5 am to get the nurses to reposition her on the bed. By 6 am she was gone. The nurse gave a sad look. My mind said, "Life is for the living."  She gets off, I go down that elevator because you can enter the dining area and there is a door that goes to the parking lot. When leaving, one of the hospital security men zip up as I start to pay for my parking. I fumble for my card. I guess he had been alerted. I don't have to pay. Just hand him my parking slip. 

And now I listen to the wind. Today, there was no wind. Somedays, the wind really blows. I used to think the wind sounded like the ocean rushing through the leaves. Now I am listening for voices. I haven't heard any voices. I just think of the people I have lost and find myself straining to hear any of them. The wind is what it is.

I miss you Julia.

14 comments:

  1. I am so very sorry. My heart goes out to you.

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    1. Thank you. You've always been a big supporter and I am thankful.

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  2. Sorry for the loss of your sister! May she rest in peace1 May God strenghten you at this time of grief!

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    1. Thank you Duta. I've lost several family members but this sister has been the roughest. It was so unexpected.

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  3. i am sorry dear Anne ,i know words do nothing when you loose some so close . but i want to say that you really were a great sister which is rare because to be god at relationships we all have to be good human being first .
    coincidently i was contemplating upon people i lost from my family and they were many to whom i said goodbye . after my parents left it seemed that death moved closer to me . i realized it changed to to great extent . like some space which can never be filled again. this is weird because departure looks like an essential part of life and everything around seems to keep us remind this all the time . but one thing that a falling fall leaf spoke to me loudest since i was little .the fear the sensation it brings to heart is ultimate philosophy of life
    hugs!

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    1. I appreciate your reflective thoughts baili. I love your blog and viewpoints you share. Thank you, Ann

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  4. Oh Ann, that was a beautiful post - you explained that loss so poignantly. It is amazing how fast death can come -
    I'm so sorry for the loss of a sister. I do wish you well and a time of grieving that is so needed. Continue to post about it. Many of us, totally understand.

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    1. Thank you Debby. I know you have experienced loss too and it is awful. Take care my friend.

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  5. I agree; wind rushing through the forest trees sounds like ocean waves on the beach. It was best for you both that your sister went quickly, though I wish she hadn't had to leave you at all. May you have many a quiet conversation on a breezy moonlit night.

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    1. My father passed from a massive heart attack. His friends all walked around saying he got to pass in the best way. Macabre but I understand better as I get older. I appreciate your kind comments. You always know what to say.

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  6. I'm sorry to hear that news. Were you very close? And do you have other sisters?

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    1. I have one more sister. People at one time here had huge families. There were six of us. Every family has a member who becomes the caregiver which was me in our family. My parents took care of their family members who needed help and sometimes people who weren't kin.

      I plan to write about my sister, maybe. She was a remarkable person who had a terrible disease, schizophrenia. If they had the medications they have today, she would have lived a more normal life. Although I took care of her, she was a support to me in taking care of my mother and two others I care for. I lost a friend and a helper.

      I've lost four family members in four years which is a lot. But, her death was a great blow.

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  7. OH my gosh, Ann. I am so very sorry. It's kind to think that at least she did not have a passing that could have been full of suffering. But I am heartbroken for you. You were a supportive friend and loving sister and for that she is doubly lucky. I like to imagine that she will always be near you in spirit.

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    1. It was unexpected. Blood clots are little monsters. I do miss her. I hope in my next life, I get to meet up with her again. She was a very special person.

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