All over but the shoutin'

.

Everyone knew, except me. Everyone thought.

I knew. I have known. I have known a long time. 

She wasn't the first.

She was a little younger and prettier than the ones who came before.

Really chatty. She would drive up in the driveway to pick him up. Her head just a bobbin'.

I gave Eric one of those dogs with a bobbing head. He looked at me like I had lost my mind. Why would he want a cheap thing like that.

I said for your car. In my mind a reminder of your tramp.

I saw it in her car as they pulled out a few days later.

He tried to hide his dalliances in the beginning. Then he got lazy or stopped caring.  We had an understanding or truce.  

Now why would a self respecting woman stay married to a man like this. At first, I thought I could change him. Later, I had years of disgust and four small children under the age of eight. 

I could have gone to work. Sure, but my children needed attention. I wanted to raise my own children not have them in daycare for most of the day. He was a good father and provider.  By the time the youngest entered school. I was no longer angry. The partnership had begun.

I also thought about my oath before God when we married. I wasn't a Catholic. I remember the foreign religious relics when I converted. I was always moved with the image of Mary and child. There was a marble statue in the church where we married.

I remember being so nervous at 20 talking to the priest. He wasn't like those in the movies who always knew the right answers. He transferred to another parish long ago. I, the nominal christian, raised my children to be good Catholics.

Eric has discussed divorce.  He wants to marry this woman. I feel like running out to the car and telling her, All that glitters is not gold you home wrecker.

I am angry. I am 48. The youngest goes to college this year. What will I do with myself?

My friend Marci says, "Every cloud has a silver lining."